(STATIC, RADIO CHANNELS SKIPPING)
NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN: This country is at war with Germany.
NEWSCASTER 1: President Kennedy and Governor John Connally
were shot today...
NELSON MANDELA: A South Africa without apartheid
will be a better home for all.
- RONALD REAGAN: Tear down this wall. - (CROWD CHEERING)
MARGARET THATCHER: The lady's not for turning.
ALAN PARTRIDGE: Making it inevitable
that within 15 years a robot will win Wimbledon.
I'm Alan Partridge and this is Mid Morning Matters.
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
This is Alan Partridge on North Norfolk Digital.
I'm here with Sidekick Simon,
who's about to give us a sideways look at the week's news.
I am.
- Simon. - Okay.
What have you got for us?
What I have is a story about a...
A story about...
A postman.
You should turn the corners down on the...
I did... Well, yes, I found it and turned the corner down
and then what's happened is it must have come back up.
- Sorry. - Okay.
You're listening to Sidekick Simon.
# Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon #
- You've got to find it. Find it. - Yeah, I am going to find it.
- You've got to find it quickly. - It's on the left.
Okay, a beach... Well, this is not the one
but "a beach litterpicker's being held at Cromer".
No?
- Got it! Okay, so... Sorry, Alan. - Oh. We're in business.
Here we go. So a, um...
"A postman was expected to return to his family home
"on Friday evening at Aylmerton,
"but did not arrive and was reported missing that night."
Now, my thing is that maybe
he will arrive but at the wrong address,
in about three weeks, in about three weeks down the line
he'll arrive back but at the wrong address.
Yeah. But his... His body was found in a canal this morning,
that's the thing.
It sort of works.
Uh, yeah. (LAUGHS)
Well, it's the wrong address, isn't it?
Yes. Massively. He's in the canal.
Okay. Right. It's just time for news.
MAN: The headlines on the hour.
The body of a postman reported missing on Friday...
You're listening to Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge.
Now it's time for Alan Describes Art,
in which I attempt to describe a piece of art
created and submitted by one of our listeners.
Today's comes from Mick Lindorp of Hethersett,
um, so here goes.
Well, it's a charcoal drawing of a nude lady.
She is splayed, let us say.
I can't go into any more detail than that.
And she has a C/D-cup bust,
pleasantly curvy elsewhere.
All in all, a good body and Mick, uh, entitles this "Family".
Which is a bit odd.
Perhaps, perhaps it's his old mum.
Uh, another coffee, please?
Two sugars, but make sure you stir it this time because,
uh, last time I ended up with a rather bitter drink
followed by several teaspoonfuls of coffee-infused sugar sludge.
WOMAN: Oh, sorry about that.
I'm not having a go at you. I like you.
And the coffee sludge was rather, in and of itself, quite tasty.
You could serve it to one of your suitors.
You're being suitored at the moment? Suited and booted?
Actually, that sounds like you've been taken for a meal
and then afterwards kicked.
Uh, which does happen, I mean, that's the terrible thing.
- I'll just give it a good stir, then. - Yeah. Precisely, yeah.
I'll tell you how I met this chap.
I had a godawful day last Tuesday.
I was having lunch with an entrepreneur from Nottingham.
Let's call him Brian, not his real name.
Uh, his real name's Keith.
I suggested that we, uh...
We partake of some flagons of foaming ale and quaff merrily,
whereupon we alighted at the...
I'm going to stop being a presenter from the past now.
Uh, we... No, we went in and we decided to, uh, to...
To quaff... I'm doing it again.
We went in a pub and had a pint of bitter.
We had two pints of bitter.
When I went in there, this guy here was...
Had me on the floor.
Shoot me... Shoot me a pearl.
Shoot me one of your pearls.
- Uh, naked chess match? - What?
Shall I do the one about the naked chess match?
Mmm-mmm. No, don't do that.
What was the thing when your friend phoned up?
- Hit it. - Yes. Take it away.
So Darren... Darren's wife had given birth to a baby
and I put the phone down and I said to you, um,
"She's just given birth." And, um...
"She's given birth to some pastry," I think I said.
"And some cheese and some eggs."
And I said to you, "Guess what she's called?"
And you, you didn't know. And I said, "Lorraine."
Yeah. 'Cause it was a quiche.
- 'Cause that's the... - Given birth to a quiche. Yeah.
The name is Lorraine.
Lorraine. Quiche Lorraine. So that was the joke.
And I said, "Ooh, imagine the midwife taking all this pastry
"and, and, and, and, and, and hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot ham.
"And, and, and
"cheese and pastry out from the crevice of a..."
- "A lady," you said. - "Of a woman."
- Do... Do you write sketches? - No.
Okay, we'll... Let's have a bit of Duran Duran, after that.
And we'll listen to the dulcet tones of Simon Le Bon,
which is actually French for Simon the Good.
I see you're very well prepared with all your papers and notes.
Simon?
Now it's time for Who Does Alan Think Alan Is?
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
WOMAN: (INDIGNANTLY) Who do you think you are?
Just to explain, the sense of that line
was not properly explained to the voiceover artist
before she went into the booth.
Um, by the time I found out, she was already in a cab.
Complete waste of 30 quid.
She sounds like she's been touched on a bus.
My main guest today is one of the genealogists
from BBC One's Who Do You Think You Are?
Please welcome Henry Spring.
Hello.
Our journey begins with your great-grandmother.
Annie Partridge, do you remember her?
I do. Granny Annie. She died when I was a toddler.
She used to make me chuckie egg.
Egg and butter chopped up in a bowl.
Uh, you can add that to your files.
Send it to the boys at WDYTYA HQ.
Who Do You Think You Are? headquarters.
Ah. Well, like many women of her time, she was a stay-at-home mum, wasn't she?
She was unemployed, yes.
But what you might not know is that if we delve one generation further back,
we find she had an aunt who lived quite near here,
so that would have been your great-great-aunt.
It's fascinating. Please tell me more.
She lived in a semi-detached house in Sheringham
at the very end of the 19th century.
That must have been one of the first semi-detached houses in Norfolk.
Not in Norfolk, but it may have been one of the first in Sheringham.
But that's still fascinating.
It sends a shiver down your spine.
Do you want me to get you a...
Rest in peace,
great great-great-aunt.
What was her... What was her name?
Uh, we don't know. We just have the initial E.
Rest in peace, Mrs E. Was she married?
- We don't know that, either. - Oh, well...
Rest in peace, E Partridge.
- (WHOOSHING) North Norfolk Digital. - What was the joke you were going to do?
I was just going to say, "Shall I go and get you a hot water bottle?"
When you said you had a chill down your spine.
Oh, yeah. Ha-ha. That's good, yeah.
- I think I was right to stop you though. - Oh, yeah.
Henry, I'm right, am I not, that my distant relative
was involved in perhaps one of the most important pieces of town planning
that Norwich has ever seen?
Well, he worked in the Office of Town Planner.
Changing what was Dearing Square into what is now Dearing Lane.
They effectively made it a thoroughfare, yes.
It's just... It's amazing.
I mean, the number of times I've parked on that road.
Never knew.
I know it's loading only, but if you park there after 6:00,
they never get you.
I almost feel like crying.
Certainly made getting into the centre of town that bit more straightforward.
And the rest.
If it weren't for Dearing Lane, you'd have to come in on the ring road.
I mean, it's just amazing, isn't it? That an ancestor of mine
had to wrestle with that awful decision.
I mean, on the one hand, you know, the square gave people
somewhere to sit, a respite from the frenetic pace of life in Norwich.
And yet, on the other, I mean, direct access to Hobbs Road
must have been like the promised land to civil engineers,
cutting journey times from the east half of the city in half.
He was caught between a rock and a hard place.
It must have been ruddy hard.
Sends a shiver down my spine.
Another one, that's the second one in half an hour.
Um, I almost feel like I should get a hot water bottle
to reheat my spine.
(ELECTRONIC NEW WAVE MUSIC PLAYING)
Now, a little genealogical bird tells me that there's a bit of a dark horse
in the Partridge clan. Bit of a loose cannon.
- Yes. His name is... - Black... A black sheep.
That's the third one.
Edmond Partridge, he was around until the late 1880s.
Had a spell in prison.
- Did he, now? - For debt.
And then he moved to France, uh, Paris, which... Where he died.
Yeah. He sounds like a right rum 'un.
What sort of roguery befell him?
Was it, what, a brawl in a brasserie?
How did he, uh, how did he meet his maker?
What, um, was the cause of death?
Uh, well, the coroner's report says the cause of death was syphilis.
Right.
You can make eye contact with me when you say that, you know.
- I haven't got syphilis. - Sorry.
You're looking away like that, like it's, you know...
This has nothing to do with it.
You should be careful banding around causes of death willy-nilly.
Well, the coroner's report does state it
so we can be pretty sure.
If I was going on a man's radio show to accuse one of his ancestors
of a sex disease, I'd want to be more than pretty sure.
Okay, then we're uber-sure.
Why are you doing this?
I have sponsors who will walk away like that
if they get a sniff of VD.
Well, you asked me to look into it, so...
How would you like it if I said your great-grandmother
soiled herself at George Formby's house?
And... and had a hump?
- She wouldn't and she didn't. - You, you have a...
Use one of your sense of humours, your jokes on him.
Well, I can do but, a minute ago, you were telling me to shut up.
Well, I've changed me mind.
Well, you come on here and you start
dragging the Partridge name through the muck.
Who do you think you are?
That is the best joke you've done all day.
Absolute... Six of those a show and you're away.
Um, keep your clubs away from his young.
It's Seal.
JINGLE SINGERS: # North Norfolk Digital #
ALAN: It's not South, it's not Suffolk,
it's not analogue.
So it must be North Norfolk Digital.
Love that jingle.
Welcome back, time again for our daily instalment
of Radio Battleships,
a game of tactic and nerve against Russian station Moda FM.
We're joined, as always, by Andre.
ANDRE: (IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) Good day to you, comrade.
Hello, mate, you ready?
- Ready. - B4.
- Miss. - Okay.
Join us the same time tomorrow for Andre's move.
You're listening to Mid Morning Matters.
Coming up soon, Tuesday Chat,
our weekly hard-hitting celebrity interview.
Uh, but first, let's go back to
What Is Alan Firing His Friend's Air Rifle Into?
WOMAN: What Is Alan Firing His Friend's Air Rifle Into?
- Quick reminder of the sound. - (RIFLE FIRING, SQUELCH)
- And again. - (RIFLE FIRING, SQUELCH)
Okay, straight to the phones, Steve from Lexham.
A bag of cement?
No, sir. Helen from Fransham.
A pig carcass.
It's not but that would be interesting. Put it on the list.
- Uh, Debbie in Runton. - A church.
I would never discharge a firearm in a house of God.
- Ross in Beccles. - I don't know.
- Lindsay in King's Lynn. - The sky.
Why would I fire into the sky?
As a warning.
I mean, you can quite clearly hear the sound of impact.
If you are going to phone in,
make sure you are at least on nodding terms with modern ballistics.
(LOUD YAWNING)
Big yawn there from Sidekick Simon.
Were you up late?
Oh, well, a little bit. I was just with Carl Branning.
Just doing a few bits and bobs for him.
What? DIY?
(LAUGHS) No. No. I was on his show.
What, you did Bedtime With Branning?
Yeah, just a few little stupid sketchy bits but...
You don't mind, do you?
What, do I mind if a lab technician I met in a pub
who's doing a trial period on my show appears on another show?
(SCOFFS) No.
I'm going to grab a coffee.
Uh, today's phone-in subject is,
"How many disabled parking bays are too many disabled parking bays?"
Please keep your texts coming in on that.
Who grabs a coffee?
Unbelievable. He's thinks he's a doctor on E.R.
(COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SLURPING)
Time now to reveal Tuesday Chat's interviewee.
It's a man who perhaps I know better than anyone else.
Are you interviewing yourself?
My guest is Alan Partridge in his first ever broadcast interview,
- much like Frost/Nixon but... - This is Partridge/Partridge.
Why do you keep finishing my sentences? You know,
you might feel good about yourself because you've guessed something.
- But it doesn't... - Improve the show. Yeah.
Exactly. You're doing it again.
- You know, you're just... - Making it worse.
The interview is Partridge/Partridge.
It's me talking to myself.
Sounds worrying.
Not like the man in the park who stands by the pond.
Yeah, that's quite sad, actually.
He used to run the cycle shop before it went bust.
Now he seeks solace in cider and swans.
Better than seeking solace inside a swan.
Although I think even that's only a matter of time.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
So that's Partridge on Partridge in half an hour.
Now, though, a song from Michael Jackson, in happier times,
before his mauling from Martin Bashir
that led ultimately and directly to his death.
And to Diana's.
# La la la la la la la la la la la #
So what's Carl Branning like, then?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's all right. Nice. - Yeah?
He does a brilliant bit where...
# La la la la la la la la la la la #
I see they've opened up the Norfolk Broads to wheelchair users.
Have they?
Unbelievable.
Good or... Good or bad?
You tell me. You tell me.
- No, tell me. - Good. Is it?
- Bad. - Bad. Yeah, it's bad.
It might seem like a good thing.
How many people do you know in wheelchairs
who genuinely want to go on the Norfolk Broads?
I'd suggest it's 0.00000001%.
Is it worth the disruption for...
- For very... for... - No.
For blameless, for largely blameless able-bodied people?
- Just a... - Okay.
What would your opinion be...
There's two sides to every story.
What about if you had an accident and you were in a wheelchair?
- I'd just watch TV. - Fair play.
Or go on the video. Or go on the computer.
Loads of things you can do.
Now it's time for the very special edition of Tuesday Chat.
ALAN: # It's me, on me, on Alan, on Alan
# On I, on I, on Partridge, on Partridge
# It's me, on me, on Alan, on Alan
# On I, on I, on Partridge, on Partridge
# It's me, on me, on Alan, on Alan... #
Is it on a loop?
No. I kept singing it over and over.
You can tell because on the fifth one, I swallow by mistake.
# On Partridge, on Partridge
# It's me, on me, on Al... (SWALLOWING)
#Alan, on Alan
# On I, on I, on Partridge... #
- Hello, Alan. - Hello, Alan.
- We meet at last. - Indeed we do.
- You're looking well. - Thank you.
I'm not a member of a gym, although I do work out.
I use two carrier bags filled with tins of value beans.
- Impressive. - Thank you.
You've been a professional broadcaster for 28 years.
Twenty nine, actually.
Yes. You're quite right. Sorry about that.
No matter.
And in that time, what would you say has been your greatest achievement?
I think my consistent resistance to dumbing down.
I think if anything, I've tried to dumb up.
As an experienced interviewer, who has been your toughest interviewee?
I'd have to say Desmond Tutu.
Um, I'd absolutely no idea what he was going on about.
And the friendliest?
That would have to be the athlete Colin Jackson.
- Kriss Akabusi? - Yes. Kriss Akabusi, I mean.
We still keep in touch once a week on the phone.
- Sounds like fun. - It is.
Tell you what, why don't you take a breather?
Uh, let's pick this up a little later
when I'll be grilling you on your family.
Looking forward to it.
Yeah. It certainly does.
- Back soon. - Okay.
# It's me, on me, on Alan, on Alan
# On I, on I, on Partridge, on Partridge #
(LAUGHS) I love that advert!
- "We're just giving them away!" - "We're just giving them away!"
Okay, time for some more calls on...
WOMAN: What Is Alan Firing His Friend's Air Rifle Into?
- That sound again - (RIFLE FIRING, SQUELCH)
- And again. - (RIFLE FIRING, SQUELCH)
Line 10. What am I firing my friend's air rifle into?
MAN: A sandwich.
- Uh, wrong. Line Three. - WOMAN: The future?
(LAUGHS)
Are you on an E?
- (LAUGHS) Line Six. - MAN: Don't know.
- Did you call earlier? - Yeah, I did.
Unbelievable. Uh, Line Four.
Chop, chop, the nurse is here! Ahhh! (LAUGHING)
What the hell was all that about?
No idea, mate.
- Seriously, what... - Might have something to do with me.
Why?
It had to do with something I did on Branning's show last night.
- Well, that... - Move on. Move on.
- No, let's hear it. - Move on.
Let's hear it.
- Seriously. - Oh, it wouldn't work now.
No, you can't do private lessons of Mid Morning Matters.
On this... On this occasion, I think I should.
Seriously. Let's hear what you did.
- Really? Yes? Okay, well... - Yes, let's do it.
So Carl Branning was under the weather
and he... He had some Night Nurse and some Day Nurse.
And so the big joke was, you know, what...
Which one should he take, 'cause it's the nighttime
but he still didn't want to go to sleep.
And then the callers started.
It's like, later at night, the callers are a bit more sort of zany.
So they started calling in and, uh,
with other suggestions for nurses and people...
Anyway, the point was someone called in about a mental nurse
and then I had to... I basically was then a mental nurse
for the next hour, just doing, you know, a stupid character
about this nurse who kind of
scuttles around the wards and is like putting milk into the drips and things.
And she's just, like, toppling people out of...
Out of beds and...
I don't really...
# Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon... #
- I knew it wouldn't work. - I wouldn't worry about it. Honestly.
Have you seen Duck Soup, the Marx Brothers?
- Oh, yeah. - You... You'd love that.
You'd really love it.
Okay. Time for traffic and travel.
(HONKING) Traffic and travel.
That was Alison Moyet again.
And now for the final choice cut of Partridge on Partridge.
- Sounds like two birds copulating. - Not now, mate.
What about family, got any kids?
Yeah, I got a couple. Male and female.
- Names? - Denise, she's the female
and Fernando, he's the other one.
- Love 'em? - Just a bit.
- Do they listen to the show? - Yes, they do.
- That's not what they told me. - You don't know them...
What about your ideal evening?
I tell you what it wouldn't be is having a pint of bitter with a traitor.
- Come on, Alan. Give me a break. - Who said I was talking about you?
- World doesn't revolve around you. - No. I'm not saying that.
- You're not the Moon. - You said you weren't bothered.
- What about your favourite TVshow? - Deal or No Deal.
I'm not bothered.
- And why's that? - Edmonds.
You know, you can do what you like, for all I care.
It's a free country, unless they've change the law.
- What about a favourite war? - The Hundred Years.
- And I'll tell you something else. - Your reason?
Pioneering use of cannons.
You can make love to the guy for all I care, you know,
Bumtime With Branning. You know, that's been legal since '67.
What's your greatest strength?
You give a break to a lab assistant from a secondary modern...
Your biggest weakness?
And he repays you by taking 30 pieces of Branning silver.
- He's not paying me, Alan. - It's a metaphor.
What makes you laugh?
To recap, key strength, courage. Weakness, too kind.
Funny, YouTube, sneezing panda. Enjoyed chat.
I enjoyed chatting to you, too. Thanks, Alan.
And tell Chegwin I'll pay for the dry cleaning
- but he should count himself lucky... - Oh, that's something else.
And the answer to What Is Alan Firing His Friend's Air Rifle Into?
Is a beef tomato.
And here is Mick Hucknall.